About...

Who the hell?

Hi, I'm Eli. But please call me Zombie Elvis. No, there's no explanation for it. But here! Have a screenshot of my character in my favorite game: Guild Wars 2.

I'm not sure what I was doing at the time to cause this...

What the hell!

This website is dedicated to phone game reviews and commentary. Did you not read?

Where the hell?!

None-ya-Business

Why the hell???

I know this is a crime against gaming and all, but I absolutely love phone games, when I can find a good one. But guess what?! That's really, REALLY hard to do.

To put it simply, I find that most games on app stores and ads are rated suspiciously high, and once you play them, you realize, much higher than they should be.

I think this is due to one of two reasons.

The first is that games will often request reviews (usually with gameplay obstructing popups) very early on before you've started to see the issues with them. Occasionally they'll even outright beg with "PLEASE RATE US FIVE STARS". Looking at you "Attack on Time Kaisen of Girls", you thirsty bitch.

The second is advertising/influencer campaigns in which huge sums of money are thrown around to get influencers and even celebrities to say nice things about the game regardless of its quality or flaws...what? no! This message couldn't possibly be brought to you by RAID! SHADOW LEGENDS, The absolutely stup...endous game whose ads are all over the damn place.

(I mean No! WAIT! I love you RAID, please give me money!)

Also as a bonus point: bot reviews do exist, and definitely don't help the situation.

So...

All jokes, insults, and rage aside, I hope to use this blog to give a perspective on these games without ulterior motives, or the need to follow a crowd clicking "5-Stars" Just to make the popup go away. Just a single, honest opinion, no ad reads, no celebrities, no bullshit.